Aliveness In The Moment...Negative Energy

Weight: 228.6

Jiu-Jitsu is a harsh mistress...If you do not remain attentive during the time you are practicing the gentle art, the punishment comes swiftly...To have even a momentary lapse in judgment, assertiveness, or a tiny hesitation in the application of a movement brings you to the point where you are reacting rather than dictating your path...Once you react your are late; when you are late, you use strength; when you use strength, you tire; when you tire, you die!....Yesterday's training session with Marcus was one huge and long brain fart with many periods of being punished for inactivity, hesitation, and incorrect movement...Things I have been taught since my beginner stages, I completely forgot and just really was not there in the moment of training...Aliveness not only means being immersed in the moment and being able to feel rather than think through situations....It also means to see in advance, patterns and movements which will end up at best being a distraction, and at worst being true threats to your performance and well-being...I could not focus, and thus, the work I had planned in my head to attempt to work(securing my weight for passes, opening up my De La Riva game, negating the over under pass) all went by the wayside...It ended up being just an exercise in survival and catch up...that in and of itself is not a bad thing as bad situations must be practiced more than good ones to ensure the calmness of mind needed under adversity to turn a negative into a positive..That said, under the strain of mind and body I have had, seven 10 minute rounds (3min rest) with someone as proficient and assertive as Marcus can be challenging to say the least...anyway, I did do a few things well and realized my in-between and scramble games are very strong, as well as when I set my mind to use my leverage and motion in the passing game as well as attacking am I effective, but when I really needed to move in bad positions or to shut down things coming, I was not in the moment and either shut down or worse, made the diametrically opposite move to what should have been done...the end of this is that I am much more frustrated for having lost the training time on things I needed to work with him on specifically, that I am now jacked up so bad that I can't turn my neck sideways and my low back is locking every 30 min or so(these are result of me not being able to go to the doc to get these fixed prior to training, not to anything he did bad), and I worry that I am not able to control my mental state as I used to be able to do under fire...this in and of itself, against the elite at black belt is something as necessary as good technique and cardio to be successful but really just to be able to survive...I will attempt even hurting as I am, to train tonight to work these things as if I am to not make a complete fool of myself and lose quickly in the Pan Ams, I must work harder to eliminate my deficiencies...Jiu-Jitsu should allow a person to overcome deficiencies and be able to defeat those stronger and bigger than them...I need to get my mind right, and hopefully get the weakness in my hands/arms gone...then I can work through the other pains to be victorious in the battle to improve...I compete with my own inner self...I compete to do better than I did yesterday at a movement or position...Overcoming issues in mind and body, is something that must be done...No excuses...I am tired, and have miles to go before I sleep as the techniques I listed above must have a lot more sharpness (weeks worth at the very least) if they are to become what they must be to ensure my ability to just merely be competitive...I will sleep when I'm dead...

Events this week left me really questioning....not even questioning but truly hating the dreams I had of coaching...Amazing how jut a little hesitation, indecision, disingenuous manner can turn into a huge ball of bile making you really dislike things you loved....Even to question yourself...Honestly things I believed were part and parcel of Jiu-Jitsu, were shown to me to be nothing but idealistic folly in the minds of some...I thought nothing could take my joy that I got from training, competing, and teaching...I was mistaken...Whether I like it or not, i am true to what made me...the American values of I am entitled to do whatever I want and the customer is always right really should not apply in a lot of situations...Today people have no loyalty, no honor, and no respect for that which came before them and even made them...I have seen what I feel is the purity of Jiu-Jitsu...It is not always nice or pretty, nor does it always serve our own wants and desires but if followed, it will always serve our NEEDS!...I must be me and have to do things as I see them successful in other places and do what I feel will be for the best...Those who will be with me, will be...Those who will not, do not exist... I did not start to teach other than to get to a point I could train as I liked and give back something to people which has truly saved my life....I did not do it to be rich and thus I treat those who I deemed to be with me as family...Sadly, it seems, that just can;t be done with everyone.

My aim is to compete and prove my worth to myself as a black belt in jiu-jitsu in the vein of those I look up to and admire...My game is simply too underdeveloped and dirty for me to feel it is anything worthy of what I feel it should be...I think that is why my teaching isn't valued, and the achievements I have garnered do not weigh enough with sponsors to be able to support materially (other than BJJEdge, Jiu-Jitsuforums, and Athletic Body Care as they have done lots to help me to the best of their abilities and are really supportive of me and have been so) in amounts enough to make the tournaments I need to compete in to be in good championship rhythm a reality...By the way, than you very much to Caleb from TheFightworksPodcast.com for your donation bro! Has been the only one to date to do so through the site and it means a great deal that he did...I am blessed to have close friends and family who have helped and I thank God for them as well as a good job that I can pull from to make sacrifices and have the extra to ptake out of my pocket to go...Thing is, those I have mentioned all have personal interest in me...I want to work that my game is respected and admired by those I teach, those who have taught me, and those who are vendors, fans, and students of the sport...I have much to do to get to that point...I will work harder, I will sacrifice more, and the deficient, shoddy game I have now will improve...No matter what, I will be on the podium at Adult at age 40...I will fight on...


The Thought For The Day: The victory is in the pain. The fruit is in the labor. Delight in the work, as therein lies payment.